Suggested Methods for Reviving a Marriage or Relationship

I’ve been part of the self help and therapeutic endeavor since 1981. I’ve served on the state board for the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. My private practice in Marriage and Family Therapy continued since that time and I’ve sat with thousands who expressed their pain and were looking for something different, something more.

I’ve spent much time reflecting and noting what seemed to work and what seemed to fail.

I don’t always take the traditional route because I don’t believe it goes far enough or it misses underlying issues and assumptions.

Here’s what you hear and read from many that purportedly try to help create love and rekindle your relationship:

4 Commonly Suggested Methods for Reviving a Marriage or Relationship

•     Talk about feelings. Get at the nitty grity. Go over past hurts. Dig into family of origin issues.

Sounds foreboding, doesn’t it? And, usually not necessary, very subjective and can take much time.

•     Both must be committed to makeover the marriage.

I contend that NEVER are two fully committed to this process. One is always taking the lead with the other holding back somewhat, or a great deal.

•     You must work to meet each other’s needs.

This may feel good at the beginning, but it is only a temporary fix at best. I will show you ways to move beyond your neediness.

•     You must learn communication skills.

Now, that sounds boring and rather plastic or contrived. I will teach you how to communicate better without focusing on the skills.

•     You must get marriage counseling.

Please know that I’ve had a private practice as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist since 1981. Not all marriage counseling is equal. There are inherent contradictions that make it problematic. And, it may deflect from what truly will work best.

•     Date. Spend some intentional time together.

Sounds good. But, the time is often forced or contrived and the elephants in the room are still alive.

•     Take some time away for a romantic weekend. Be more romantic.

Please know that I think romance is highly misunderstood. Romance is much more than chocolate on Valentine’s days and staring into his/her eyes. I prefer not to use the word romance since it is so widely misunderstood and abused.

•     Get away to a retreat or weekend where you focus on the marriage.

This may be helpful, but often not necessary. The key is how you face the strains of each day individually and as individuals and as a couple.

Although these rebuilding strategies are commonly espoused, they are temporary fixes at best.

Most fail to address the underlying process of building a marriage or relationship of deep emotional investment. As well, they often fail to get at the core issues.

Creating a lasting and mutually satisfying emotional connection that you can trust and know will endure the test of time only occurs once the marital process is embraced and core issues are addressed.

As well these more traditional strategies tend to limit one’s personal power and freedom.

Your lives become enmeshed or wrapped around each other in ways that feel smothering and limiting. I will speak more on that at length later.