He’s in the twilight of a long and successful private practice in Marriage and Family Therapy and wants to share his wisdom with you. Please know his work runs counter to much conventional advice. (Perhaps that’s a reason for his high success rate!)
He’s asked me to share this letter with you. He wants to reach as many as possible about the infidelity experience.
Here’s the letter from Dr. Huizenga:
Dear Infidelity sufferer,
If you face infidelity, suspect infidelity or have gone through infidelity and want to learn more please read carefully. I want to share 2 key insights derived from seeing literally thousands suffer over the past 3 decades.
Infidelity invades the most sacred part of your life – your marriage.
You are devastated.
You want your marriage back.
You want your life back.
You want your spouse back.
Your world has become a nightmare that in your most wild dreams never thought would happen.
Discovering the infidelity and then coping with it is crazy time.
Yes, you wake to a new world; that is if you can manage any sleep.
The infidelity haunts you day and night. Thoughts of him and her and you constantly intrude and disturb, regardless of what you do.
Infidelity is like a huge dark wet blanket that covers you and sucks the joy, hope and trust from your soul.
If only you would have…. Where did I go wrong? What’s wrong with me!?
And the rage, the burning inside and the images of hatred – what you thought you were incapable of thinking - consume your mind.
You can’t trust. S/he has become a stranger you try to talk with and maybe sleep with.
And, what do you do?
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You’ve tried everything: you’ve been nice, trying to understand; you’ve tried to meet needs, to do what you believe you should have done; you try to recapture the romance, you suggest counseling, you make personal changes that s/he will notice, you beg, you plead, you rage and you scream.
Nothing seems to work.
And, you are depleted, beyond frustration, exhausted, bone weary and border on hopeless.
Maybe this is the end, you think.
This is not a pretty picture. But, it’s a picture I’ve encountered with literally thousands who suffer from infidelity. If you are in pain and I mean severe pain and distress, you certainly are not alone.
Facing infidelity is more difficult than facing death.
I’ve heard these words over and over again: “It would be easier if s/he died!”
OK. Two questions: Why in the world is the discovery of infidelity so devastatingly painful? And what can you do to calm your pain and take constructive thoughtful action that stands a good chance of stopping the affair and getting your life, marriage and spouse back?
My clinical experience as a Marriage and Family Therapist since 1981 and observer of our world links these two questions.
Here’s what the world (the media, your friends, self help gurus and even the professional community) subtly screams at you:
YOU are at fault!
What did you do wrong? Didn’t you meet his/her needs? Can’t you keep your man/woman? Why not? You weren’t good enough in the bedroom? Weren’t romantic enough? Didn’t listen well? Can't you express your feelings? Did you take him/her for granted? Did you nag and complain too much? Didn’t you give enough attention? Don’t you know how to communicate? Remember, it takes two to tango!
The majority of counselors, when infidelity is discovered, basically convey, “Let’s take a look at the marriage and see if we can fix the problems there…and then infidelity will take care of itself.”
Wrong!
You are not at fault! The “marriage” is not to blame!
His/her choice to have an affair had absolutely nothing to do with you or the “marriage.”
I know. It’s hard for you to emotionally buy that. Intellectually it perhaps makes sense, but your gut feels something different, doesn’t it?
Your gut twists with a sense of shame. You cannot let go of the invading thoughts of sexual and relational inadequacy. You think you are defective.
Your heart feels the stabbing pain. Tears of sadness and regret flow at bad times. Your rage wants to explode in your chest.
You not only have a huge dilemma with your cheating partner, you have to fight conventional thinking and lame advice which points the finger of responsibility at you.
The huge success of my first ebook, “Break Free From the Affair” rests in the fact that most who read the ebook within the first few hours feel tremendous relief. That relief emerges as it sinks deeply into the crevices of their pain that they are NOT at fault!
I’ve received countless emails thanking me for the shift in their feelings.
Here’s the second powerful lame thinking about infidelity you must face: Infidelity is about “falling out of love” with you and “falling in love” with someone else.
I can’t be blunter: Infidelity has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with love.
Infidelity arises out of your spouse’s personal need system, and/or hormones, and/or character issues, and/or history and/or distorted thinking and/or immaturity.
Infidelity truly is an act of temporary insanity, ignorance and relational blindness; it’s NOT an act of “falling in love” with someone else.
Now, again, this may sound good, but emotionally you struggle to get a handle on this "love" thing.
Your world tells you that infidelity is about “falling in love” with someone else. And it is subtly glamorized.
After all, isn’t “falling in love” the ultimate?
Wrong!
Infidelity is not about “love.”
In “Break Free From the Affair” I outline 7 unique types of affairs and the inner, hidden motives that result in each particular type of affair. And, those motives, believe me have absolutely nothing to do with love.
Again, readers email me regularly saying something like, “You are spot on! I can’t believe you understand my spouse so well and what’s happening. NOW I know what I’m really dealing with. Thank you also for outlining exactly what I can do to counter this type of affair. Wow! I feel so much better!”
My personal goal is to open new doors that will quickly reduce your pain, understand the folly of your spouse’s actions and move ahead with more confidence and hope.
Remember, You (or your marriage) is NOT at fault!
And, Infidelity has absolutely nothing to do with love.
Grab my copy of “Break Free From the Affair” and stop the insanity of the affair and learn how to get your life/marriage/spouse back.
