The world - some in the professional community and some relationship gurus as well - although with good intentions, for the most part unknowingly suggest that if you fix what is "out there' you will find the solution or solutions to your marital crisis.If only you could change "out there" your marriage or relationship would be better.
Powers "out there" influence and destroy your marriage, or powers "out there" have the power and influence to heal and restore your marriage.
This is the message that beats at your mind.
Here is a partial list of those "out there' factors you tend to believe limit, inhibit, destroy or get in the way of having the intimacy and emotional connection you long for:
- There's not enough money
- There's too much money
- There's not enough romance
- There's not enough sex
- There too much sex
- Sex is not good
- Sex is good, but there's nothing else
- In-laws, friends, family and children interfere
- We are overwhelmed with the children
- A(nother) child will bring us together
- We're too busy
- There's too much of a social life.
- There's not enough social life.
- We need to focus on creating our dream home
- Our dream home is too much. We need to downsize
- There are medical and health problems
- There's too much television and computer time
- S/he's always working
- S/he does not provide well
And, you often surmise, that if you take care of these problems, if you fix what you believe to be broken, or if you rearrange your environment your marriage will heal and rebound.
It is pounded into you that you are a fixer and can fix this problem.
Let's take this a step further.
In addition to placing responsibility for pain and change "out there," you commonly place responsibility on your spouse.
This tendency is so powerful, so subtle and so common, it most likely goes unnoticed.
The exercise of last week hopefully helped you understand this almost universal tendency to focus on your spouse.
You automatically have both eyes focused on what s/he is or is not doing or who s/he is not.
Reflexively your mind turns in the direction of, if only s/he would:
It is pounded into you that you are a fixer and can fix this problem.
Let's take this a step further.
In addition to placing responsibility for pain and change "out there," you commonly place responsibility on your spouse.
This tendency is so powerful, so subtle and so common, it most likely goes unnoticed.
The exercise of last week hopefully helped you understand this almost universal tendency to focus on your spouse.
You automatically have both eyes focused on what s/he is or is not doing or who s/he is not.
Reflexively your mind turns in the direction of, if only s/he would:
- Be more loving
- Be more romantic
- Be more talkative
- Be less talkative
- Be more attentive
- Not nag so much
- Spend more time at home
- Get out of my hair
- Be a better parent
- Not focus so much on the children
- Help around the house
- Bring in more income
- Spend more time with me
- Be less controlling
- Be more spontaneous
- Be more aggressive
- Calm down
- Call me while at work
- Spend less time with friends, family, etc.
- Spend less time on the computer or watching TV
- Etc.
You are taught to believe that if s/he makes those changes the marriage would be on the road to health and passion.
Of course, such hoping seldom, if ever works. By abdicating responsibility to someone else a cycle of resentment and distrust builds that becomes more and more irreparable.
You swirl around the frustration, anger and disappointment.
You perhaps know this cycle: "If only you would _____. Well, if only you would______ then I would _____."
Looking to your spouse to solve the marital impasse only intensifies the impasse.
Of course, such hoping seldom, if ever works. By abdicating responsibility to someone else a cycle of resentment and distrust builds that becomes more and more irreparable.
You swirl around the frustration, anger and disappointment.
You perhaps know this cycle: "If only you would _____. Well, if only you would______ then I would _____."
Looking to your spouse to solve the marital impasse only intensifies the impasse.
